Keen to pose for the paps, get all the girls and earn some dosh but don’t have any talent? Don’t panic, we’ve got you covered.

Be on Big Brother

It doesn’t take much intelligence or style to get on Big Brother – you just have to convince the producers you’re comfortable with nudity and have never heard of Shakespeare. And who cares about showering in public if you could snag that hot job as a TV shopping presenter when you get evicted?

Pros

• You could make 10 grand telling the Sun why your gameplan backfired.
• Your mum can pay off the mortgage selling stories of your past eating disorders to Heat.
• If you act now, you could get a job advertising low budget hair extensions.
• You may kick-start an adrenaline-fuelled political debate.

Cons

• Those dodgy home sex videos from before you had your nose job will surface.
• You’re not getting your own talkshow. Or a record deal.
• You’ll need months of therapy once you stop appearing in Heat with red circles around your cellulite – so in about five minutes then.

Become a DJ

Booze, drugs, parties, glamour. DJs have a fabulous designer lifestyle to go with their fabulous designer sunnies. Or do they?

Pros

• DJ groupies.
• You get to act like a total knob and it only makes you cooler.
• Free hallucinogenics.

Cons

• It can be tricky to see in a club wearing shades.
• Tinnitus.

Sleep with a Celebrity

Step one: Wait until a celebrity pops into your local and feed them booze. Step two: Drag them back to theirs. Step three: Make sure you get loads of snaps on your mobile and for bonus points initiate some steamy text sex.

Pros

• Your ex will be well jealous when he reads your story in Heat.
• If you make it past the first date you could land a tell-all book deal and become a TV presenter.
• If the celeb passes out you could steal a few designer bags on your way out.

Cons

• You’ll have to spend ages stroking their, erm, ego.
• It probably isn’t true love.
• They will probably want to do it facing a mirror, and it won’t be so they can look at you.

Form a Band

Getting a record deal and building up a fan base can be gruelling. It’s all worth it in the end though. Or is it?

Pros

• Groupies, drugs, parties; supermodel/actress girlfriend.
• Your songs could live forever.
• Lots and lots of money.

Cons

• Hotels have the nerve to make you pay for the TVs you throw out of windows these days.
• You’re just extremely misunderstood.
• You could become Ozzy Osbourne Mick Jagger, or, heaven forbid, Robbie Williams!
• You might poke yourself in the eye with your eyeliner.

Be Good at Sport

So you can kick a ball through the posts and that somehow makes you untouchable. Lucky you.

Pros

• Winning match after-parties.
• Your life could be documented in a highly popular hit TV drama.
• Perfume deals.
• Did we mention the seven-figure salary for kicking a ball around a field?

Cons

• You may be expected to muck about on a sports field in between your publicity shoots.
• You’ll soon find a WAG suctioned to your hip investing your cash in designer gear and acrylic talons.
• All that fast-paced action might mess up your hair.